Trevor's Box

more bullshit

Read More

New Years post.

Secrets:

I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished much this past year.

I’m depressed, anxiety disorder, ptsd, and another that will go nameless, but I will try every day to get to a better place. I will not let these disorders define me, but will let them be worked side by side with, fought, acknowledged, and a strong part of my life.

I had a girlfriend this year. She was the most beautiful person alive. When we broke up I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything so painful in my life. I’ve never met anyone like her and I don’t think I will again. I won’t give up what she taught me. I won’t give what she gave me away and I will use everything to become someone my future lover can be proud of.

My best friend and I have drifted. This is something I’m having more trouble accepting than anything else, so this is more a depressing part than a really powerful part. I’ve known him for years, never idolized someone so much and at those darkest moments where all I want to do is give up he’s the one I want to turn to. He’ll never know.

I never burden my issues onto others. I never use my disorders as a crutch. I want to get there someday. But there are times where I live, days at a time, avoiding it all. Depression and anxiety sometimes push me through to a corner where I’m ignorant and blind. If I stay still, nothing changes.

Someday I want to have a steady job, a steady income, and a family. Even if that family is just some incredibly close friends.

New Years Resolution: When I avoid the issues, cave into anxiety and depression, cut myself off, I want to at least acknowledge it to myself. I have no worse enemy than that of chosen ignorance and denial, blinding myself so I can live in “bliss”. I want to be able to overcome that.