Canada Vs. USA
CHICAGO—Following a turbulent first term in office and one of the tightest and most-hard-fought presidential campaigns in recent history, a wholly and utterly defeated man emerged victorious Tuesday, winning reelection by exceeding 270 electoral votes.
The shell of a man, who won at least 21 states and lost all hope in the American people, was able to secure victory, narrowly holding off a spirited challenge from Republican candidate Mitt Romney. Shortly after 11:20 p.m. Eastern time, upon prevailing in the key battleground state of Ohio, major media outlets declared the thoroughly beaten man’s victory.
Moments later, the triumphant defeated man took the stage in Chicago’s McCormick Place convention center to the cheers of more than 10,000 supporters.
“It is at once a tremendous honor and profoundly humbling to stand again before my fellow citizens, having earned your trust for a second term,” said the crushed victor, who successfully carried the crucial swing states of Iowa and Wisconsin and sadly forfeited whatever remaining shred of enthusiasm and passion once drove him. “But tonight is not my victory alone—it is also yours. It is a victory for hardworking folks who believe that millionaires should be held to the same rules they are, for students with dreams of college and a brighter future, and for the sick and uninsured who will finally receive the medical care they need.”
“Tonight is a victory for all those who recognize that the truest path to prosperity is through opportunity for all,” the utterly lost winner added.
The successful candidate, whose mental and spiritual reserves were wiped out in a landslide, thanked his supporters for helping him secure a clear win that roundly trounced his overall sense of optimism and hope.
The broken and shattered man also called on the nation to mend its rifts and urged fellow citizens to “never tire in [their] pursuit of progress.”
“While we celebrate tonight, we know that the challenges that lie ahead of us are even greater than the ones….
haha wooww. This is powerful as shit.
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We got this data from our friends at Mother Jones. We got our crippling sense of cultural shame from looking at that data. If you need us, we’ll be in the living room, watching An Inconvenient Truth and weeping into our recycling bins.
While admitting they “absolutely hate” the fact they have this knowledge, the nation’s 300 million citizens told reporters they can pinpoint down to the hour when the first candlelight vigil will be held, roughly how many people will attend, how many times the county sheriff will address the media in the coming weeks, and when the town-wide memorial service will be held.
I NEVER KNEW THIS
I NEVER KNEW THAT WAS WHAT AMERICANS MEANT WHEN THEY SAID “QUITE”
WHY DIDN’T ANYBODY TELL ME
SUDDENLY THAT ONE SONG THAT GOES “HELLO I MISS YOU QUITE TERRIBLY” MAKES LIKE A MILLION TIMES MORE SENSE
are you serious british people
i feel like this means i’ve been overestimating your enthusiasm about things for my entire life
damn it Britain
WHY WOULD YOU MISLEAD ME IN THIS WAY BRITISH PEOPLE
…well, now I feel like an idiot.
im crying laughing
WHOOPS never knew this
I FEEL LIKE MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE
Mitt Romney actually hired black people to cheer him on as he called black people freeloaders in front of the NAACP.
He is literally the most absurd person.
the three MOST honest minutes in television history. EVER.
reblogging again because it’s so beautiful
America is not the greatest country in the world anymore.
While I disagree on America ever being the greatest country in the world, I just, this is phenomenal. I really just love his interpretations, fictional character and show or not, phenomenal speech.
It’s really interesting to me to hear all of these white, cis, heterosexual republicans lament about how “great” America “used to be.” For anyone who doesn’t fit into one of those categories, the past was a really shitty time. At no prior point in time was it “better” to be a PoC, a woman, or a LGBT person. For us, this is the best time in history. America, while it’s not as good as it could be, has gotten a hell of a lot better than it was.
I think the poster of this forgets that the republican stance on all of these issues is actually to further suppress any rights involved with these individuals and these specific groups; something we’ve been seeing a lot of lately in terms of stopping all progress in these areas. In my mind, I feel like this is apart of the better America that’s spoken so highly of.
Oops… - Imgur
There are some moments which seem entirely too perfect to not be scripted.